


"What Can You Do With a BSci in Inhumation?"

by bissonomy (Macdicilla)



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Assassin shenanigans, Gen, career opportunities, undergraduate information sessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-11-01 08:23:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17863805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Macdicilla/pseuds/bissonomy
Summary: Every year, the Assassins’ Guild School holds an info-session for the undergraduates about career opportunities. It’s generally understood that with each graduating class, there are more trained Assassins in the city than the city needs, or indeed, wants. And even for the talented graduate who does find a steady stream of commissions, it’s exceedingly rare to get commissioned more than once per year.Featuring: Six graduates of the Assassins' Guild School who are employed outside of their field, and Lord Vetinari.





	"What Can You Do With a BSci in Inhumation?"

Every year, the Assassins’ Guild School holds an info-session for the undergraduates about career opportunities. It’s generally understood that with each graduating class, there are more trained Assassins in the city than the city needs, or indeed, wants. And even for the talented graduate who does find a steady stream of commissions, it’s exceedingly rare to get commissioned more than once per year. Sure, it’s good pay, but you need to do something else with your life, or you’ll go mad.[1]

And yet, the BSci in Inhumation is widely regarded as a good, well-rounded degree. It teaches you your classics, a decent amount of chemistry (poisons), languages, costume design (disguise), medicine (applied pathology), political science (it should be noted that your classmates teach you this one–the environment is very competitive), and some fine arts.[2]

For this reason, rich aristocrats who want the highest caliber education for their children they can afford send their children to study at the Assassins’ Guild School. For the same reason, regular people who are keen on advancing themselves in society through learning send themselves to study at the Assassins’ Guild School, with financial aid. 

Every year, at the beginning of the winter term, usually midway through the month of Offle, the Assassins’ Guild School invites five or six former graduates who are not employed in the field to come speak in one of the older wood-panelled classrooms about how their degree prepared them for their current career. The event is called, “What Can You Do With a BSci in Inhumation?” It is not compulsory, but if you’re an undergraduate who knows what’s good for you, you’ll attend.

If you’re the current Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, Lord H. Vetinari (class of ‘68), you’ll also attend, but not to speak, heavens, no. Just to observe and keep everyone else on their toes.

The first speaker this year is one Christoph Fleming (class of ‘07). He is a slim-built young fellow in large glasses who gives the impression that if the wizards at Unseen University ever successfully transmuted a poodle into a man, it would look much like him. Scaling buildings as an undergraduate, it turns out, has prepared him nicely to become (though he can’t say this without sounding indecently self-satisfied) an Urban Farmer. Amidst polite applause, he leaves to change his robes.

Up next is a mousy-haired Constanza Taylor (class of ‘68), who would never do something as frivolous as compete in Ankh-Morpork’s Dour Pageant but could certainly win it. She is an accountant for the Thieves’ Guild. She smiles exactly once a year, at Hogswatch, because her family pressures her to. Ms. Taylor’s Assassins’ Guild education prepared her for her career because the Guild has a joint program with the Guild of Accountants and Usurers that awards a Masters of Sums. Sorry, what was the question? Other skills? Oh yes, the Thieves’ Guild is very particular about proper licensing and registration. Just last week, there was an unlicensed fellow who mistook himself for an authorized burglar. Ms. Taylor explains how she disabused him of this notion. Half the crowd experiences a twinge of sympathy pain in their necks. 

Third to speak is one Jean de L’Inde (class of ‘91), employed by some art museum in Quirm, L’Institut Royal Quirmien des Beaux-Arts. He says exactly what you’d expect. High-speed rooftop chases, foreign spies, recovering lost artifacts, stopping people from eating the oil paintings. Yawn! Let’s have a little break for refreshments and socializing, shall we?

After five minutes, the lemonade is drunk, the miniature sandwiches are eaten, and no one has touched the _lovely_ almond cake Guild Master Lord Downey (class of ‘68) made, except for a few in the know who are aware that Lord Downey would never be so obvious as to put the poison in the cake. But thankfully, no mints are being served at this event.

Three more speakers: an events planner (class of ‘94), a senior member of of the Historical Preservation Society (class of ‘59– she _is_ a senior), and, amidst some disgruntled muttering, the owner of an up-and-coming poison antidote company (class of ‘04).

“Well!” says the info-session organizer, a nervous but enthusiastic young man, “that about wraps up our talks! We’d like to extend, once more, a warm thanks to our speakers for sharing their stories. I hope the undergraduates here have had their horizons expanded, whether they wind up pursuing a job in the field or outside of it. We’ve all gotten a lovely chance to see how the BSci in Inhumation is a truly versatile degree. Assassins’ Guild School graduates can do anything they put their minds to. You can be urban farmers, accountants, and do...some kind of thing in Quirm. You can plan events, preserve and scale ancient buildings, and sell out to the pharmaceutical industry. Why, you can even–” 

And here there’s a pause, as he scans the room for the Patrician, Lord Vetinari (class of ‘68), who has a habit of blending in to the background. Ah! There he is, seated by the door, tapping his cane with his foot.

“You can even become the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork!”

Everyone laughs nervously. Vetinari just laughs.

“No,” says Vetinari, “you can’t.”

 

[1] Granted, for an Assassin, going mad is far more Someone Else’s Problem than their own.

[2] Murder is considered to be among these, but so is dance.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] "What Can You Do With A BSci In Inhumation?"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18081593) by [BookshelfPassageway](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookshelfPassageway/pseuds/BookshelfPassageway)




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